Reconnecting with Lord Rama

On April 1, 1974, I had an experience that made a huge impact on me and remains in my memory as a turning point in my devotional life. Over the years since then, I have sometimes heard about devotees shedding tears of ecstasy, and while proof-reading the Caitanya-caritamrta, I ran across descriptions of Lord Caitanya displaying ecstatic symptoms which included profuse expulsions of tears of love for Lord Jagannatha. Sometimes Srila Prabhupada would also exhibit ecstatic symptoms in which he shed tears. We all remember the pastime that Mohanananda Prabhu shared which was quoted in Vaiyasaki Prabhu's book Radha-Damodara Vilasa:


Mohanänanda: Prabhupäda’s room was just off the temple room in La Cienega, and Visnujana and I sneaked back to see him one time. I was a new devotee and I was just following Visnujana. I would have followed him absolutely, anything he did. We could see light coming out of Prabhupäda’s room as if there were some kind of spotlight. We actually thought it was a spotlight. There was this effulgent light coming out through the cracks of the door. It was a long room with a long hallway. So we crept in. It looked as if someone was shooting a movie under a high halogen lamp. Prabhupäda was sitting at the end of the hallway on his pillow. He looked absolutely effulgent. Brahmajyoti. The spiritual sky. It was pure, bright yellow light, like an aura, with Prabhupäda at the center of it. Tears were just flying out of his eyes, across his desk, across the room. I was amazed. Tears literally flew out of his eyes. It was a remarkable thing to see his tears.
Visnujana turned to me and just said, “He’s talking to Krsna.” I was dumb struck. I thought this was an incredible experience, because it was one of the first rare visions of personalism that I had been given. We were absolutely awestruck. We just hit the floor and backed out. Prabhupäda never acknowledged us.

This pastime, as well as the numerous references Srila Prabhupada has given in his books of devotees crying in ecstasy gave me the understanding of what took place that evening.

It was Rama-navami. I didn't know what day it was, and even if I had heard the words "Rama-navami" I would not have understood what they meant. I was a new devotee and had no idea who Lord Ramacandra was, nor whose arms the two green arms holding arrows and a bow represented on the painting of Sad-bhuja which hung on the wall of the temple room were, nor had I heard anything about this holy day of Lord Rama's appearance on this planet. But when I first heard the devotees in the little Watseka Avenue temple room with its bright yellow walls and pink lacey curtains singing "Sita-Rama jaya Sita-Rama, Sita-Rama jaya Sita-Rama, Raghupati Raghava Raja Rama, patita-pavana Sita Rama" I felt a thrill that I had not known before. I stood at the double-doors of the temple room for a few moments before entering. I had never heard such a beautiful melody nor such captivating, soul-attracting lyrics. I entered the temple room quietly and stood to the right of the door, against the wall, feeling a little shy and not wanting to be seen. There were other devotees standing to the right and left of me. I don't know who they were nor why they were standing against the wall, but I nestled in between them to behold the wondrous spectacle before my eyes. I watched and listened with great interest as the chanting of "Sita-Rama" permeated every fiber of my being. The dancing devotees in their saris and dhotis appeared to be celestial angels glorifying the Lord with heavenly hymns. The devotees were all dancing in unison, moving as if they were floating, back and forth, facing the Deities. Luckily, they seemed oblivious to my presence.

Suddenly, without warning, without any preliminary premonition in my physical body that would have given me an idea that something strange was about to happen to me, my eyes began to shoot tears like two fire hoses with powerful spray nozzles. I didn't feel sadness or anger or any other emotion that in the past would have brought me to tears, nor had I ever had an experience of tears doing anything other than rolling down my cheeks. I felt at the time an unknown emotion which I would now call "ecstasy," although at the time I had no idea what that word meant. It was the first time in my life that I had ever cried cold tears. All the tears I had cried in the past had been hot tears that burned my eyes. But these tears felt good. I was not embarrassed because I was mesmerized by the chanting and in too much of an emotional state of happiness to let anything bother me. The devotees on either side of me might have known what was happening, but I didn't because I was too new to the movement and hadn't learned about ecstatic symptoms yet. The tears kept shooting out of my eyes for some time. No one complained, "You're making a mess on the floor! Clean up those puddles!" I don't remember when the crying stopped, or seeing puddles on the floor in front of me. I just remember the painless, ecstatic experience of projectile tears exploding from my eyes upon hearing the names of Sita and Rama. I realize now as I look back on that evening that at that moment, by Srila Prabhupada's causeless mercy and grace, I was reunited with the Lord of my heart, Lord Sri Raghunatha.

Later in my devotional childhood, someone explained to me that happy tears are cold, not hot like tears of anger and sadness. Those cold, happy tears that came from my eyes like water from a fire-hydrant are now a sweet reminder of how Srila Prabhupada revealed to me on that delicious evening of April 1, 1974, that I am the eternal servant of Lord Ramacandra.

Someone remarked recently how each and every devotee sees Krsna according to his or her own personal relationship with Krsna in service and love. My personal experience has been that often, when I read Srila Prabhupada's words, he mentions Lord Rama or Hanuman or some topic connected with the pastimes of the Ramayana. This to me is evidence that Srila Prabhupada is always with me, encouraging me in my attachment for Lord Sri Ramacandra. To me, the fact that Srila Prabhupada frequently mentions Lord Rama in the pages of his books and allows me to see these nectarean anecdotes in his books and teachings is further evidence of the truth of my eternal attachment to Lord Rama, realized through the causeless mercy of my beloved spiritual master A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada.