Reconnecting with Lord Rama

On April 1, 1974, I had an experience that made a huge impact on me and remains in my memory as a turning point in my devotional life. Over the years since then, I have sometimes heard about devotees shedding tears of ecstasy, and while proof-reading the Caitanya-caritamrta, I ran across descriptions of Lord Caitanya displaying ecstatic symptoms which included profuse expulsions of tears of love for Lord Jagannatha. Sometimes Srila Prabhupada would also exhibit ecstatic symptoms in which he shed tears. We all remember the pastime that Mohanananda Prabhu shared which was quoted in Vaiyasaki Prabhu's book Radha-Damodara Vilasa:


Mohanänanda: Prabhupäda’s room was just off the temple room in La Cienega, and Visnujana and I sneaked back to see him one time. I was a new devotee and I was just following Visnujana. I would have followed him absolutely, anything he did. We could see light coming out of Prabhupäda’s room as if there were some kind of spotlight. We actually thought it was a spotlight. There was this effulgent light coming out through the cracks of the door. It was a long room with a long hallway. So we crept in. It looked as if someone was shooting a movie under a high halogen lamp. Prabhupäda was sitting at the end of the hallway on his pillow. He looked absolutely effulgent. Brahmajyoti. The spiritual sky. It was pure, bright yellow light, like an aura, with Prabhupäda at the center of it. Tears were just flying out of his eyes, across his desk, across the room. I was amazed. Tears literally flew out of his eyes. It was a remarkable thing to see his tears.
Visnujana turned to me and just said, “He’s talking to Krsna.” I was dumb struck. I thought this was an incredible experience, because it was one of the first rare visions of personalism that I had been given. We were absolutely awestruck. We just hit the floor and backed out. Prabhupäda never acknowledged us.

This pastime, as well as the numerous references Srila Prabhupada has given in his books of devotees crying in ecstasy gave me the understanding of what took place that evening.

It was Rama-navami. I didn't know what day it was, and even if I had heard the words "Rama-navami" I would not have understood what they meant. I was a new devotee and had no idea who Lord Ramacandra was, nor whose arms the two green arms holding arrows and a bow represented on the painting of Sad-bhuja which hung on the wall of the temple room were, nor had I heard anything about this holy day of Lord Rama's appearance on this planet. But when I first heard the devotees in the little Watseka Avenue temple room with its bright yellow walls and pink lacey curtains singing "Sita-Rama jaya Sita-Rama, Sita-Rama jaya Sita-Rama, Raghupati Raghava Raja Rama, patita-pavana Sita Rama" I felt a thrill that I had not known before. I stood at the double-doors of the temple room for a few moments before entering. I had never heard such a beautiful melody nor such captivating, soul-attracting lyrics. I entered the temple room quietly and stood to the right of the door, against the wall, feeling a little shy and not wanting to be seen. There were other devotees standing to the right and left of me. I don't know who they were nor why they were standing against the wall, but I nestled in between them to behold the wondrous spectacle before my eyes. I watched and listened with great interest as the chanting of "Sita-Rama" permeated every fiber of my being. The dancing devotees in their saris and dhotis appeared to be celestial angels glorifying the Lord with heavenly hymns. The devotees were all dancing in unison, moving as if they were floating, back and forth, facing the Deities. Luckily, they seemed oblivious to my presence.

Suddenly, without warning, without any preliminary premonition in my physical body that would have given me an idea that something strange was about to happen to me, my eyes began to shoot tears like two fire hoses with powerful spray nozzles. I didn't feel sadness or anger or any other emotion that in the past would have brought me to tears, nor had I ever had an experience of tears doing anything other than rolling down my cheeks. I felt at the time an unknown emotion which I would now call "ecstasy," although at the time I had no idea what that word meant. It was the first time in my life that I had ever cried cold tears. All the tears I had cried in the past had been hot tears that burned my eyes. But these tears felt good. I was not embarrassed because I was mesmerized by the chanting and in too much of an emotional state of happiness to let anything bother me. The devotees on either side of me might have known what was happening, but I didn't because I was too new to the movement and hadn't learned about ecstatic symptoms yet. The tears kept shooting out of my eyes for some time. No one complained, "You're making a mess on the floor! Clean up those puddles!" I don't remember when the crying stopped, or seeing puddles on the floor in front of me. I just remember the painless, ecstatic experience of projectile tears exploding from my eyes upon hearing the names of Sita and Rama. I realize now as I look back on that evening that at that moment, by Srila Prabhupada's causeless mercy and grace, I was reunited with the Lord of my heart, Lord Sri Raghunatha.

Later in my devotional childhood, someone explained to me that happy tears are cold, not hot like tears of anger and sadness. Those cold, happy tears that came from my eyes like water from a fire-hydrant are now a sweet reminder of how Srila Prabhupada revealed to me on that delicious evening of April 1, 1974, that I am the eternal servant of Lord Ramacandra.

Someone remarked recently how each and every devotee sees Krsna according to his or her own personal relationship with Krsna in service and love. My personal experience has been that often, when I read Srila Prabhupada's words, he mentions Lord Rama or Hanuman or some topic connected with the pastimes of the Ramayana. This to me is evidence that Srila Prabhupada is always with me, encouraging me in my attachment for Lord Sri Ramacandra. To me, the fact that Srila Prabhupada frequently mentions Lord Rama in the pages of his books and allows me to see these nectarean anecdotes in his books and teachings is further evidence of the truth of my eternal attachment to Lord Rama, realized through the causeless mercy of my beloved spiritual master A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada. 

A Hard Sell

By His Grace Swarup Hebel, My Godbrother

At a time when the Vietnam War was raging and the peace movement was growing with mass protests and marches, Srila Prabhupada arrived in America and presented Bhagavad-gita As It Is, a scripture in which Krishna chastises Arjuna for being a pacifist and tells him to get onto the battlefield, do his duty as a warrior and kill.

At the height of the Civil Rights movement and a time when feminism was on the rise, Srila Prabhupada came to teach that spiritually we are all equal but on the bodily platform it just isn't so.

When an entire generation was turning into bohemian hedonists with slogans like, "if it feels good, do it" and "turn on, tune in, drop out" and the battle cry was "sex, drugs and rock n' roll" Srila Prabhupada introduced bhakti-yoga, a discipline that required followers to give up illicit sex, intoxication, meat eating and gambling.

When growing long hair was so in that the musical "Hair" became a nationwide sensation, Srila Prabhupada instructed his male disciples to shave their heads and female disciples to cover their heads.

When other swamis, yogis and gurus were coming from India to the West preaching peace and love and telling their followers that we are all one and that we are all God, Srila Prabhupada called them cheaters, rascals and crows.

When the book "I'm ok, You're ok" came out, Srila Prabhupada remarked, "We say that we are ok, you are not ok."

To say the least, Srila Prabhupada's message was a hard sell given the time, place and circumstances. He was strongly advised that if he tried to impose such strict rules and regulations onto Westerners nobody would listen, he'd attract zero followers and we would tell him to go back to India.

Srila Prabhupada saw through all the superficiality and he clearly observed that young people were feeling dissatisfied and disgusted with the hypocrisy of our leaders and the materialistic society around us. We demanded change. All the experimenting with communes, drugs and sex and all the protesting and rebelling was due to deep feelings of frustration and hopelessness. He told us that we were intelligent to want something better, to want happiness and peace, but we didn't know how to achieve it. He said "I have come to give you the positive alternative."

Srila Prabhupada never compromised. He was innovative and creative and made some adjustments to accommodate and achieve success in the matter of teaching Krishna consciousness but he never compromised. He didn't have to. His genuine purity, compassion and love was the force behind the message and which attracted all of us like iron filings to a magnet. We gladly let him turn us hippies into happies with (as he would describe) shining and bright faces.

Yes, Prabhupada's message was a hard sell and he came alone, almost 70 years of age to a strange hostile environment to distribute the message of Lord Caitanya as ordered by his guru maharaja. Against all odds he captured our hearts and minds and did so without ever compromising the purity and potency of the message he came to deliver.

Remembering Srila Prabhupada

As I publish this post, it is now November 13, 2018. We just celebrated Srila Prabhupada's Disappearance Day festival two days ago. In honor of the 41st Disappearance Day of His Divine Grace AC Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada, I want to share with you my memory of the day Srila Prabhupada disappeared from this planet.

His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada

It was the fall of 1977. Srila Prabhupada had been sick for several months. He had given us permission to pray for him, and had taught us the prayer, "My dear Lord Krsna, if You so desire, please cure Srila Prabhupada." We prayed that prayer day and night as we did our various services. At one point, we began directing the prayer to Lord Nrsimhadeva. "My dear Lord Nrsimhadeva, if You so desire, please cure Srila Prabhupada." At the time when Srila Prabhupada was sick, I was on a traveling book distribution party with a group of ladies in Salt Lake City, Utah. Our party had at the time just returned to New Dvaraka to pick up more books and to have a change of pace for a few weeks. While in New Dvaraka, we received a summons one morning to gather in the temple. We all went, curious to know what would be the subject of the istha-gosthi. When everyone had settled--every devotee in the community who was able to come had come, so the temple room was packed--we listened carefully as Ramesvara Swami made the announcement that Srila Prabhupada had left his body. I don't remember anything else that was said. I just remember thinking I want to be with Srila Prabhupada at every moment and the best way I know to remain always with him is by distributing his books. So I paid my obeisances, left the temple room, went to my ashrama, changed into my pantsuit, grabbed my bookbag and a box of books, and caught a ride to the airport. On the way into the terminal, I saw a Godsister of mine who had been threatening to bloop for some time. I asked her, "Did you hear what happened? Prabhupada left his body." She looked bewildered. I moved on and started distributing books with all my heart. I wanted Prabhupada to be with me, to use me as his instrument and to see that I was eager to keep him in my heart by blessing as many suffering souls as possible with his transcendental literatures.

I continued going out and distributing books for several years, traveling around the US with different traveling parties. I was never chosen by the temple authorities to be a party leader, but was always one of the book distributors who were members of the party. Once, though, our sankirtana leader Sanatani had to go back to L.A. for some medical care. She asked me to take care of the rest of the girls on the party while she was gone. I accepted the baton. I wanted so badly to please Srila Prabhupada and feel his presence. I hadn't actually felt separation from him since he had left the planet, because I was consciously choosing to keep him in my heart and to keep him always with me by distributing his books with enthusiasm. So I hadn't grieved, nor had I felt separation, at least not consciously.

We hit the Fresno County Fair like an atomic bomb. I told the girls, "Let's distribute books like we've never distributed books before!" We packed up loads of book boxes and peppermint candies and parked our van early. We worked hard from the time the fair opened in the morning to the time it closed at night. I don't remember if we even stopped to have lunch. We passed out so many small books that day that we almost passed out. We were fainting from heat-stroke and cross-eyed at the end of the day. We laughed as we dragged ourselves to the van on our sore feet, carrying empty boxes and joyfully talking about our experiences.

The devotees had to practically carry me to the motel room. I had been hit hard by heat stroke and was fighting dizziness and the urge to pass out. I couldn't stay awake for anything, so the girls made me drink lots of water and they put me to bed right away. 

That night, Srila Prabhupada appeared to me in a dream. In the dream, he was seated at the top of a flight of wooden stairs. He was in the form of a life-size murti, a murti like the ones we see in almost all ISKCON temples nowadays. I was at the bottom of the stairs. I climbed the stairs, stopping just below Srila Prabhupada to pay my obeisances. As I was uttering his pranam mantras, I heard a thud. It sounded like something had hit the step just above me. I looked up, horrified to see that Srila Prabhupada had fallen over! I rushed up, realizing that he had left his body. I buried my face in his lap, bawling like a baby who had lost his mother. As I cried in Srila Prabhupada's lap, I felt his dhoti getting wet from my tears. Then I felt something else. I felt a hand stroking my head and down my back, slowly and gently, with great love, several times. I remembered that loving stroke down my head and back from another dream years before. I looked up, and Srila Prabhupada was sitting up again! I said, "Srila Prabhupada, are you all right?" and Srila Prabhupada's eyes got big and round. He asked, "Are you all right?" I replied, "Srila Prabhupada, without you, I'm nothing!" and Prabhupada smiled. Out of his pure, causeless mercy, he affectionately encouraged me, "I always knew you would turn out to be a good devotee." At that moment, I woke up and remembered the dream with intense gratitude and a thrill of ecstatic separation from Srila Prabhupada like nothing I had ever experienced. I realized that Srila Prabhupada had shown me through that dream that I actually did feel separation from him--I did miss him--and that missing, that separation, was and forever has been since then, my greatest ecstasy. 

That is my personal story. If you have a memory of Srila Prabhupada that you'd like to share with me, I would love to hear it. Please write to me at phalini@gmail.com. Thank you for reading this. Hare Krishna. Jai Srila Prabhupada!