Regret

 Regret is the cross that we have to bear, those of us who are married to people with antagonistic personalities. For forty-two years, I watched the destruction I reaped by my selfish insistence on marrying the man of my dreams, even though red flags appeared early on. I did not recognize them at the time for what they were. Love is blind. I so badly wanted a husband--I was thirty years old, had never been married, and I was desperately needy for the embrace of a loving man. My ten-year-old son, who had never known his father, was open to the idea of me getting married. He thought having a dad would be fun.

I did not expect or even imagine what awaited me, nor did I anticipate what was in store for my son.

Before we were married, the man I had a girlish crush on told me that if I were to become his wife, I would have to 'toe the mark.' I was shocked for a moment that a reasoning, conscious human being would say something so odd to the woman who was about to surrender her very life to assisting him in his service to the Lord. I questioned my own hearing, then because it continued to haunt me, I tried to bury it under excuses. Oh, that's just his male ego. Or, maybe he had a rough childhood. Or, I probably heard him wrong. Okay so, I'll just let this pass, and maybe his weird attitude will go away.

Even before that, when a mutual friend had ventured to ask him how he would feel about marrying a woman who already had a child, he had expressed concern, because it was not the 'ideal' scenario. I had already been touched by another man. That was apparently unbearable for him to contemplate. And that stranger's son, that enemy's son, would be constantly present to remind him that his wife was not the innocent virgin girl of his dreams. Never mind the fact that he himself had polluted dozens of innocent virgin girls in his youth, and had sired at least one son whom he had never acknowledged or met. That was inconsequential. What he cared about more was his image as the ideal husband of an ideal wife. 

He was the founder of the Fullerton Hare Krishna Temple, as it came to be known to me. A small house on a busy street in Fullerton, California where hundreds of people would kick off their shoes at the door and come inside for delicious Sunday Feasts, soul-stirring kirtans, relishable darshans of Sri Sri Gaura-Nitai, scintillating lectures by His Grace Haripada dasa, and big jars of homemade ghee for a nominal price. Haripada had started a business of making and selling gallon-sized and quart-sized bottles of golden clarified butter for his congregation members, and his little business was doing well. 

His mostly Gujarati congregation members were in love with him. He would perform moondan and annaprashan ceremonies for their babies, officiate weddings, entertain their children with field trips, swims in the ocean and homemade ice cream, visit their homes for enlivening kirtans, inspiring katha and krsna prasadam. He was the darling of their hearts, their savior who had brought them back to their own culture, to the Gita, Ramayana and Mahabharata of their forefathers with his homemade gulabjamuns and paneer tikka.

After forty-two years together, I recall many sweet, happy memories. I also cannot forget the abuses that were perpetrated behind the closed doors of Fullerton Temple after the crowds had gone home, the harsh words that were spoken behind closed doors at our house in Rough 'n' Ready, the cruelties that my kids and I endured behind closed doors of our beautiful house in Prabhupada Village, and the soul-killing mistreatment I suffered at our house in Udupi. In public, he was mostly delightful to be around. Mostly. But in private, he often morphed into a monster. It wasn't until the Covid lockdown took place in India that I learned what was wrong. One evening after tolerating my maximum dose of domestic abuse that I could bear, he went to bed and I stayed up watching YouTube videos about narcissism. The word 'narcissism' had come into my mind in the form of a hint, so I took it seriously, typed the word narcissism in the YouTube Search Bar, and was both thrilled and shocked by the plethora of information I gained that night. 

In every house we had inhabited over the years, we always made it our family tradition to invite people for meals, and sometimes for overnight stays. In every home in which we had lived, there was a different personality emanating from the body of my spouse before and after the guests came and went. As different as Mr Hyde was to Dr Jekyll. 

Knowing now what I know about narcissism, I understand how he was able to put me and both of my sons through vitriolic verbal tirades, humiliating emotional trauma and incessant gaslighting before the guests came and after everyone had left. He inflicted permanent psychological damage on all of us. And the criticism. So many, many times I have heard my husband criticize others. He would criticize both devotees and other innocent souls. Blaspheming others is an extremely dangerous habit. Because Krsna is in everyone's heart, He hears what is spoken, and such words are painful to Him. Krsna sends such vitriol back to the person who spewed it from his mouth by taking away the blasphemer's intelligence. What goes around comes around."Wherever there is blasphemy of Vaisnavas, even in holy places, that place and the blasphemers will be destroyed. If there is blasphemy in the assembly of sannyasis, then such a gathering is worse than a den of drunkards. A drunkard can be delivered in the course of time, but there is no salvation for those who criticize a Vaisnava. Even after having studied the scriptures, such a blasphemer's intelligence will be ruined.” (Sri Nityananda Caritamrta p 84) 

In the last four years of my husband's life, I witnessed what happens to a person who perpetrates repeated verbal, psychological and emotional abuse against others. My husband of forty-two years lost the greater part of his short-term memory as well as most of his long-term memory. His ability to think clearly and to speak coherently were severely compromised. Towards the end, he could still remember and speak English words, but they were arranged in such ways that the listener got lost attempting to grab his meaning. "I don't get what you're trying to communicate to me" I often said to him. After months of unsuccessfully trying to hold normal, everyday conversations with me and others, he ended up saying, "Never mind, don't worry about it" and gave up trying to make his point. This experience of witnessing the gradual demise of my husband's intelligence was a powerful wake-up call for me and others. We know that dementia can afflict any one of us, but why invite it in by criticizing and hurting others with our words and demeanor? Better to learn and practice alternative methods of communication with our loved ones that build up rather than break down, ways of speaking that are not abusive, but rather encouraging, uplifting and soul-satisfying. 

A couple days ago, my eight-year-old grandson reminded me about the Golden Rule. One should treat others as he would want to be treated. If we treat our loved ones respectfully, with love and empathy, we will never regret having unnecessarily spoken harshly, rudely or denigratingly to those we love and care about.

Music Question

Dear Friends,

I feel pulled to write something today. I've been going through some unprecedented challenges in my life over the past year or so. It's been cathartic and also a period of learning. I have returned to the process of writing songs, which gives me great pleasure and purpose. I've submitted some of those songs to a company called 'Songer' who use AI to produce my songs. There are two reasons why I chose to use AI to produce my songs: (1) My singing voice is severely compromised due to past trauma, so I prefer to depend on others to sing on my behalf, and (2) My hands shake, so it is quite difficult now to play the piano and guitar, therefore, I prefer to rely on outside help to provide instrumentation. I have not yet made my songs public, but I'm hopeful of the prospects of establishing a relationship with a company called American Songwriter. They are running a contest to which I have submitted several songs. I feel that some of my songs are acceptable--maybe even good--and am looking forward to finding out if one or more of my songs can attract an audience. I have created my own genre 'Krishna Country' so that country songs submitted by myself and other devotees can have our own unique identity.

I also have a question for all of you. I recorded about forty songs (non-professionally, unplugged, at Bennet House Records and in my little makeshift bedroom studio) between 1996 and 2015 that I have posted on SoundCloud. I would like to re-record those songs, as the sound quality has seriously deteriorated over the years. What would you suggest I do with my songs? Should I submit them to Songer, even though I am unable to send them an audio file? Or should I seek out a producer who can actually keep my melodies and chord progressions as they are and add additional instrumentation for a fuller sound?

I would deeply appreciate any input. Wishing you all well and looking forward to any and all comments,

Phalini

Ever had your wings clipped?

I just had an experience that I had to journal about. I was lying in bed, feeling the need to listen to some beautiful, soothing music to lull me to sleep. So I went onto SoundCloud and clicked on one of my songs. I thoroughly enjoyed listening to it. So I listened to another one. And another. And another. All in all, I think I listened to about eight or nine songs. It was a lovely concert, and the whole time I was listening, I was smiling the smile of victory and satisfaction. 

Demons with hateful eyes and scary faces kept popping into my mind's eye. I ignored them, kept smiling and kept listening. 

They were envious of me because long ago they had tried very hard to discourage me from composing and recording music. I didn't listen to them. I conquered them. I made up songs and instrumentals as they came to me, doing whatever I had to do to remember the melodies and the lyrics that I had heard in my mind. I saved up my allowances until I had enough money to buy an awesome keyboard and all the rest of the equipment I needed to make recordings. I even bought a sixteen-track CD recorder. It was super hard to figure out how to use it, but I persevered and figured it out. I won.

And now, my friends and family can listen to thirty-seven of my songs whenever they want to. And so can I.

So if you have a talent that you can share with the world, something that you love to do that could possibly be beneficial to others in some way, use it. Do what you love, and do it with love, so that you feel satisfied and so that others who benefit from your work feel satisfied as well. You will leave your legacy for the benefit of the world, and that will give you joy. The more you experience that joy, the more you will heal from the trauma of having had your wings clipped, of having been denied your right to share yourself and your talents with the world.

My dad used to say "Don't let the bastards get you down." If you've ever had your wings clipped and done what you had to do to grow them back , you know how it feels to conquer those demons who make it their business to cut people's wings. Those demons not only clipped my wings, but they also took away my voice. They made my hands shake so that I can't even play the piano anymore. In fact, I can hardly type. But while I still had about 80% of my voice left and before my hands succumbed to Essential Tremor, I fought to record four albums and upload them onto SoundCloud.

Now, I can assure you, it was totally worth it to fight the fight, defeat those demons, and grow my wings again.

Seven Habits of Sincere Spiritual Seekers

 

Six years ago, I met a man online who asked me, "How can we be happy and peaceful if we have committed a grave mistake in our life?" I answered him with the following reply:

If one has committed a grave mistake in his life, he can consider adopting the following suggestions. I call them The Seven Habits of Sincere Spiritual Seekers: 

(1) One should immediately take shelter of God's holy names and cry out to Him like a child cries to its mother. 

(2) One should immediately attempt to rectify himself through good behavior that is pleasing to God.

(3) One should pray to God to help him behave properly. 

(4) One should give up the company of people who tend to lead him astray.

(5) One should gather around himself spiritually-inclined people who are enthusiastic about dedicating themselves to God's service. 

(6) One should endeavor to make his life a life of moment-to-moment loving service to God.

(7) One should pray to God to kindly accept his service. 

We are all full of faults and every one of us has committed grave mistakes as well as countless small mistakes over the course of many lifetimes. In fact, that is one of the features of the conditioned soul--bhrama--that he has a tendency to commit mistakes. So we have to be forgiving of ourselves and our weaknesses, take shelter of God's holy names, and arrange our life so that the people we live with and associate with support us in our spiritual quest. 

Chanting the holy names of God is the most highly recommended process in this age for becoming self-realized. Self-realization means to understand who we are, who God is, and to understand our eternal, loving relationship with Him. The ultimate stage of self-realization involves uncovering our natural love for God and resuming our eternal service to Him. If one has a bona fide name of God to chant, he can chant that name. If one has no bona fide name of God to chant, he can chant Krsna's holy names--Hare Krsna Hare Krsna Krsna Krsna Hare Hare/ Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare. (The Hare part is pronounced Huh-ray, the Krsna part is pronounced Krish-na and the Rama part is pronounced Rah-ma.) This is called the maha-mantra, or the great chanting for deliverance, and is the most powerful mantra for cleansing the mind of all unwanted things which block our spiritual progress.

No Atheists in a Foxhole

We are all atheists, to one degree or another. All of us in the material world, that is. For the first time in my life, I am wanting to memorize the following verse: vipadah santu tah sasvat tatra tatra jagad-guro bhavato darsanam yat syad apunar bhava-darsanam I wish that all those calamities would happen again and again so that we could see You again and again, for seeing You means that we will no longer see repeated births and deaths. Krsna is trying to teach me to be grateful for all the tests He gives me. I am practicing gratitude because it is a positive emotion and because it is healing. When I think in a reactive way to my husband's stupid behaviors, I get angry, indignant, vengeful and depressed. Such negative emotions drain my energy and throw big roadblocks in my devotional progress. When I think in an honest way, I see the little acts of devotion that my husband renders which are never forgotten by Krsna. Then, with gratitude, my heart softens and I overlook all the stupid, irresponsible mistakes he makes daily due to his condition. I then am no longer appalled by the ridiculous blunders of my demented husband. Rather, a sincere "Thank You" rises up from the ashes at the bottom of my heart, thanking Krsna for reducing my husband to a crazy lunatic. I am then inspired to cry out to Krsna for solace and protection, for guidance how to go on serving my husband with even greater patience and sensitivity, for steadiness in all trying circumstances and for even more gratitude for the insane predicament I find myself in. That is why calamities are such a blessing--because they give us incentive to give up our atheism and call out to Krsna with utter desperation and absolute surrender, like a child crying for his mother. Sooner or later, we will all realize that we are--each and every one of us--in our own desperate circumstantial foxholes, faced with the need for protection and saving grace. To whom will we turn for succour? Krsna is there in our hearts, waiting. He's there in our foxhole with us, waiting for us to cry out to Him for shelter. We just have to turn toward Him and recognize our dearest, most loyal friend. At that point, we are no longer an atheist. When will we realize we are in a foxhole, needing to be saved? The answer is, we will realize our awkward circumstances when we recognize that Krsna is our best friend with our best interest at heart, when we begin to practice gratitude for the painful lessons He gives us in this world, and when we cry out to Him with helpless desperation, like a child crying for his mother. At that point, Krsna will lift us out of the foxhole and take us back home to His eternal shelter, where we will no longer see repeated births and deaths.

Timed, Numbered Lists

When things are too hard, or even when they're not, I write lists. It makes the big things seem smaller, easier to tackle. When I add numbers to the left of the to-do items, saying to myself, This is most urgent, so it gets a one, this is second most urgent, so it gets a two, etc, my mind starts to relax and my body relaxes along with my mind. I start to feel happy and focused on what I need to do. Then, to the right of each item, I designate a duration of time I allow myself to work on completing that task. When I assign lengths of time allowed for engaging in accomplishing each item--especially when I use a timer and stop when the timer beeps--I take a deep breath and spring into action, feeling empowered by those numbers. Somehow, lists empower me, my timer motivates me and numbers work magic on my mind. I love lists, I love numbers, and I love my timer. By the end of the day, I get more items checked off than on days when I don't write a numbered to-do list that I time myself to accomplish. And when I accomplish more, I feel better about myself.

Person and Prayer

The Holy Name is a person. The Supreme Person. Chanting the Holy Name is a prayer, a prayer to the Supreme Person, asking Him to please engage us in His service, asking Him to accept us back into His pastimes, asking Him to purify our hearts so that we can resume our eternal identity as His loving servant. So chanting the Holy Name is a prayer to the Supreme Person, who is non-different from His name. The Holy Name or the maha-mantra--Hare Krsna Hare Krsna Krsna Krsna Hare Hare / Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare--is the Supreme Person. And chanting that Holy Name is a prayer to that same Supreme Person. This is what I am meditating on as I chant my japa today.