Remembering Srila Prabhupada

As I publish this post, it is now November 13, 2018. We just celebrated Srila Prabhupada's Disappearance Day festival two days ago. In honor of the 41st Disappearance Day of His Divine Grace AC Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada, I want to share with you my memory of the day Srila Prabhupada disappeared from this planet.

His Divine Grace A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada

It was the fall of 1977. Srila Prabhupada had been sick for several months. He had given us permission to pray for him, and had taught us the prayer, "My dear Lord Krsna, if You so desire, please cure Srila Prabhupada." We prayed that prayer day and night as we did our various services. At one point, we began directing the prayer to Lord Nrsimhadeva. "My dear Lord Nrsimhadeva, if You so desire, please cure Srila Prabhupada." At the time when Srila Prabhupada was sick, I was on a traveling book distribution party with a group of ladies in Salt Lake City, Utah. Our party had at the time just returned to New Dvaraka to pick up more books and to have a change of pace for a few weeks. While in New Dvaraka, we received a summons one morning to gather in the temple. We all went, curious to know what would be the subject of the istha-gosthi. When everyone had settled--every devotee in the community who was able to come had come, so the temple room was packed--we listened carefully as Ramesvara Swami made the announcement that Srila Prabhupada had left his body. I don't remember anything else that was said. I just remember thinking I want to be with Srila Prabhupada at every moment and the best way I know to remain always with him is by distributing his books. So I paid my obeisances, left the temple room, went to my ashrama, changed into my pantsuit, grabbed my bookbag and a box of books, and caught a ride to the airport. On the way into the terminal, I saw a Godsister of mine who had been threatening to bloop for some time. I asked her, "Did you hear what happened? Prabhupada left his body." She looked bewildered. I moved on and started distributing books with all my heart. I wanted Prabhupada to be with me, to use me as his instrument and to see that I was eager to keep him in my heart by blessing as many suffering souls as possible with his transcendental literatures.

I continued going out and distributing books for several years, traveling around the US with different traveling parties. I was never chosen by the temple authorities to be a party leader, but was always one of the book distributors who were members of the party. Once, though, our sankirtana leader Sanatani had to go back to L.A. for some medical care. She asked me to take care of the rest of the girls on the party while she was gone. I accepted the baton. I wanted so badly to please Srila Prabhupada and feel his presence. I hadn't actually felt separation from him since he had left the planet, because I was consciously choosing to keep him in my heart and to keep him always with me by distributing his books with enthusiasm. So I hadn't grieved, nor had I felt separation, at least not consciously.

We hit the Fresno County Fair like an atomic bomb. I told the girls, "Let's distribute books like we've never distributed books before!" We packed up loads of book boxes and peppermint candies and parked our van early. We worked hard from the time the fair opened in the morning to the time it closed at night. I don't remember if we even stopped to have lunch. We passed out so many small books that day that we almost passed out. We were fainting from heat-stroke and cross-eyed at the end of the day. We laughed as we dragged ourselves to the van on our sore feet, carrying empty boxes and joyfully talking about our experiences.

The devotees had to practically carry me to the motel room. I had been hit hard by heat stroke and was fighting dizziness and the urge to pass out. I couldn't stay awake for anything, so the girls made me drink lots of water and they put me to bed right away. 

That night, Srila Prabhupada appeared to me in a dream. In the dream, he was seated at the top of a flight of wooden stairs. He was in the form of a life-size murti, a murti like the ones we see in almost all ISKCON temples nowadays. I was at the bottom of the stairs. I climbed the stairs, stopping just below Srila Prabhupada to pay my obeisances. As I was uttering his pranam mantras, I heard a thud. It sounded like something had hit the step just above me. I looked up, horrified to see that Srila Prabhupada had fallen over! I rushed up, realizing that he had left his body. I buried my face in his lap, bawling like a baby who had lost his mother. As I cried in Srila Prabhupada's lap, I felt his dhoti getting wet from my tears. Then I felt something else. I felt a hand stroking my head and down my back, slowly and gently, with great love, several times. I remembered that loving stroke down my head and back from another dream years before. I looked up, and Srila Prabhupada was sitting up again! I said, "Srila Prabhupada, are you all right?" and Srila Prabhupada's eyes got big and round. He asked, "Are you all right?" I replied, "Srila Prabhupada, without you, I'm nothing!" and Prabhupada smiled. Out of his pure, causeless mercy, he affectionately encouraged me, "I always knew you would turn out to be a good devotee." At that moment, I woke up and remembered the dream with intense gratitude and a thrill of ecstatic separation from Srila Prabhupada like nothing I had ever experienced. I realized that Srila Prabhupada had shown me through that dream that I actually did feel separation from him--I did miss him--and that missing, that separation, was and forever has been since then, my greatest ecstasy. 

That is my personal story. If you have a memory of Srila Prabhupada that you'd like to share with me, I would love to hear it. Please write to me at phalini@gmail.com. Thank you for reading this. Hare Krishna. Jai Srila Prabhupada!