The Childlike Innocence of Bhakti

We simply depend on Krishna. He maintains us, sustains us. 

Too much dependence on palmistry, on what jewel stones to counterbalance Rahu... 

this kills the childlike innocence of bhakti.

~Srila Prabhupada

Some time ago, a friend inquired about how much we should involve ourselves in learning and practicing Krsna's subtle sciences such as palmistry and gemology. My friend was concerned about whether such arts are necessary or if we should just disregard them and simply chant Hare Krsna. Here is my answer, which I hope will satisfy Srila Prabhupada and Lord Sri Krsna:

We are part of the Brahma-Madhva-Gaudiya Sampradaya (disciplic succession) coming from Lord Sri Krsna (Krishna) Himself. Our mission, our purpose, is to become fully Krsna conscious through the chanting of Krsna's holy names: Hare Krsna Hare Krsna Krsna Krsna Hare Hare / Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare. Whatever is conducive to or supportive of that purpose, we accept. Whatever is detrimental to that mission, we reject.

By making the above statement, Srila Prabhupada is teaching us an important lesson. He wanted us to develop and maintain unalloyed attachment to Krsna's holy names and to His service. He didn't want us to waste time on frivolous pursuits that could distract us or take us away from our purpose of becoming fully Krsna conscious. He wanted us to utilize all our intelligence, energy and resources toward a full-on effort to becoming Krsna's pure devotees, no holds barred. He wanted us to take the elevator rather than the stairs. He wanted us to learn to simply depend on Krsna, to learn that only He maintains us and sustains us. He wanted us to always remain like innocent children for whom Krsna is Sarvashraya, the shelter of all, and Rakshobhuvana, the protector of all.

Why did Jesus say, "Unless you become as little children, you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven?" Children are simple and they are completely dependent on the protection of their parents. When we become completely dependent on Krsna, the Supreme Father, we can again enter the Kingdom of God.

Srila Prabhupada recommends that when we chant Hare Krsna, we should chant "like a child crying for its mother?" The mood of a child crying helplessly for the shelter and protection of his parents is so attractive to his mother and father that the heart of even a macho tough guy who has become a father melts when he hears such a helpless cry from his little one. Anyone who is a parent can understand. The desperate call of a child in need pulls a parent's heartstrings more than anything else. The parent wants to immediately run to that child, pick him up, hug him, soothe his pain, and make everything all right. He doesn't want his child to suffer in any way.

Krsna is the same way. He is the Supreme Parent. He is God the Father, the father of everyone. And when we call out to Him in desperation and helplessness, with utter dependence on His protection, He is irresistibly drawn to such a plaintive, heartfelt call, and He wants to pick us up and take us back home to the place where we never have to suffer again, where we can always be happy.

While we are here in the material world, Lord Sri Krsna remains with us always in His benevolent form as Paramatma, the Lord in the heart. He has made each of us as individuals, with unique tastes and inclinations. He desires that we all return back home to live with Him in the spiritual sky, so He has devised different ways to attract each one of us to come back to Him. Residing in our hearts, He understands each individual soul and knows just how to attract each one of us to want to come back home to Him. So if one is attracted to the sciences that Lord Krsna has given to mankind, he can utitlize those sciences as a tool to aid himself and/or others in easing the burden of life in this material world. By remaining in the conscious awareness that all things, including Krsna's subtle sciences, come from Krsna and are to be used in His service, he can actually further his attraction and attachment to the Lord.

Lord Krsna has not only appeared in His all-attractive feature of Shyamasundara (the beautiful dark-complexioned youth) but He has also descended from the spiritual world as His holy names. He has created a system of living called Vedic culture that is specifically targeted toward helping souls in human bodies to become purified of their long-held material desires which obstruct their spiritual progress. Within that system--called daiva-varnasrama-dharma--there are physical and metaphysical sciences that are meant for the use of higher classes of human beings. Krsna understands how much we struggle in this world, so He gives us a helping hand, so to speak. He helps us along in this world by giving us such sciences as astrology, palmistry, medicine, the science of signs and omens, and gemology to assist us in our lives so that we don't have to struggle and suffer too much while we're here. 

Krsna is the most expert and strict teacher--He doesn't hesitate to discipline us when we need it--but He also has the softest heart. So He tries to make things easier for us in this world of suffering by providing tools that help us live more peacefully with less trouble. Krsna gives mankind sciences that serve to bring us closer to Him when we use them in the right consciousness. After all, we are His beloved children.

What is the proper consciousness in which to make use of Krsna's sciences? 

(1) Complete and utter dependence on Krsna. 

(2) Recognition that we cannot do anything without Krsna's permission and empowerment. 

(3) Absolute resignation to Krsna's choice of the outcome. 

(4) Understanding that Krsna is the origin, the maintainer and sustainer of all, that Krsna is the goal and the ultimate enjoyer of all our endeavors, and that Krsna is the best friend of every soul. 

This is the consciousness in which we can not only make the best use of Krsna's sciences, but it is also the consciousness in which we can most lovingly chant His holy names. This kind of attitude of complete dependence on the Lord's mercy can only truly be had by a soul who is cent-percent surrendered to the will of the Lord, desiring to please Him at every moment, and desiring to be His instrument in this world. Such a soul knows that the purpose of his life is to uncover his dormant love for Lord Sri Krsna and return back home to His lotus feet. In his heart of hearts, he really has no other desire than this, except to make sure that as many other souls as possible get a chance to reconnect with Krsna and resume their eternal, loving service to Him in the spiritual world.

So what if we're not yet to that point of full surrender? 

If we are not yet on the level of complete, unalloyed, cent-percent surrendered devotion to carrying out the will of the Lord at every moment, Krsna still covers for us. He has our back, so to speak. He sees through our weaknesses and faults and mundane desires, and mainly looks at our genuine desire to serve Him. As stated above, He is not afraid to punish us when we do wrong, but He is more inclined to look at our efforts to please Him. He would rather focus on those. He is in our hearts and He understands our sincerity and knows what we're up against. And because He wants us back home in the spiritual world more than we want to go back home, He makes all facilities to encourage us and keep us on the straight and narrow path of bhakti so that we can come home as quickly as possible. 

Krsna says that whether we have all material desires or no material desires, or even if we desire liberation, we should try to serve Him in full surrender, with all our heart and energy. He promises that we'll eventually become purified. (SB 2.3.10) And Srila Prabhupada assures us that if we still have material desires, it's better to go to Krsna with our desires than to the demigods, because after all, everything is bestowed ultimately by Lord Sri Krsna, not by His deputies. He writes, "If, however, anyone has any material desire to be fulfilled, he had better pray for it to the Supreme Lord (although that is not pure devotion), and he will thus achieve the desired result." (Bg 9.24 Ppt) (Notice how Srila Prabhupada includes the caveat "although that is not pure devotion." Here he is implicitly indicating that he wants us to come to the level of pure devotion, but if we're not on that level yet, he grants us permission to go to Krsna with our requests, and assures us that Krsna will protect us and bring us gradually to the level of pure bhakti.)

So it's okay to ask Krsna for help. In fact, we require His help for everything, even to worship Him! Srila Prabhupada says that we can't even become Krsna conscious without Krsna's help. So if we are not yet completely surrendered, Krsna understands and He offers us a helping hand as we stumble along on our path to spiritual perfection. One way in which He helps us is by appearing on our tongue and in our ears and hearts as His holy names. Another way he provides help for us is by instituting His very own culture--Vedic culture--the application of which includes various sciences, both subtle and physical, that assist us in navigating through this bewildering material realm. The Lord even demonstrates by His own example in various pastimes that one can derive encouragement from His science of astrology. In one particular pastime in the Ramayana, Lord Rama is told by His devotee Jatayu that Sita was abducted during the time of day called "vinda." He assures the Lord, "If a person loses something at that time, he will surely reclaim it very soon."  Later, when Rama and Laksmana are trudging southward through forests and jungles looking for Sita, Lord Rama says to Laksmana, "My left arm is throbbing and My mind feels perturbed. O Laksmana, We should prepare for imminent danger." A moment later, They hear the frightful cry of a vanjulaka bird. Laksmana remarks, "This indicates that victory will be Ours." These are some examples of how the Lord Himself shows us that in His incarnation of Ramacandra, He makes use of His own material sciences--in this case, the science of signs and omens.

The point is to remain always completely dependent on Krsna like an innocent child is completely dependent on his parents, and to remember that everything comes from Him, including all departments of knowledge, both spiritual and mundane. Then we'll always remain safe under His expert protection. We need to remember the maxim: "Everything comes from Krsna and is meant to be used in Krsna's service." If we maintain the proper attitude of using everything in Krsna's service and completely depending on Krsna at every moment of our lives--even if we take the help of His refined, sophisticated sciences such as the sciences of politics, debate, warfare, weaponry, architecture, construction, space travel, astronomy, mathematics, cooking, proper eating, habits of cleanliness or medicine, or of His more subtle sciences such as astrology, palmistry, gemology, psychology, physiognomy, numerology, or music--He will help us to quickly find our way back to His lotus feet. 

Srila Prabhupada taught that all tools for encouraging us on the path of bhakti (loving, devotional service to the Lord) come from the Lord. He explained that all sciences, both physical and metaphysical, come from the Lord, and Srila Prabhupada himself utilized such teachings to some degree in his life. He desired that we understand that all departments of knowledge come from the Lord and if they are used, they are meant to be used in Krsna consciousness for the pleasure of the Lord. He showed by example how a devotee recognizes that everything comes from the Lord and is meant to be offered back to Him in acknowledgment of His mercy. 

Srila Prabhupada also desired that we make the quickest spiritual progress possible and not get waylaid by the glitter of heavenly pleasures or the complacency which can arise when one enjoys too much comfort or sense gratification in this world. So fanaticism in either direction is not helpful. Moderation is the key.

Srila Prabhupada wanted us to find balance by completely depending on Krsna in every aspect of our lives. If we feel inspired to take the help of one or more of Krsna's sciences, we should remain aware at all times that all types of knowledge come from Krsna. We should limit our use of those sciences to the purpose of aiding ourselves or others on our (or their) path back home, back to Krsna's lotus feet. We should avoid the pitfall of thinking that Krsna's different sciences stand separate from Him. We should take care to protect ourselves from the temptation of becoming too much absorbed in and dependent on His sciences instead of on Him as the creator of those sciences. The key phrase in the opening quote is "too much dependent." This we must avoid. 

In order to preserve and encourage the childlike innocence of bhakti in our hearts, Srila Prabhupada wanted us to maintain an attitude of absolute helplessness and dependence on Krsna's holy names and on the mercy of Krsna in the form of His Deity, His incarnations and avataras, His representatives (merciful devotees who try to deliver us from the material world) and His teachings. He wanted that by the Lord's grace we stay firmly fixed on the razor's edge path of bhakti. He wanted us to live simple, pure, innocent lives, free of unnatural, unnecessary, or excessive indulgences, so that we could remain pure and utterly dependent on Krsna, just as little children are completely dependent on their parents. He understood that in that mood only would we be able to constantly chant Krsna's holy names, understand Krsna's teachings, uncover our love for Krsna and return back home, back to Godhead.

In conclusion, I remember that Srila Prabhupada, who is the acarya for the entire universe, wore ruby beads around his neck and he always kept ayurvedic and homeopathic medicines on his shelves. He also recommended that we take help of astrology in finding suitable spouses for our children. Yet, he admonished us that we should not depend so totally on such sciences as gemology, medicine and astrology that we veer off the razor's edge path of Krsna consciousness. In case one feels drawn to take advantage of the various arts and sciences that Lord Krsna has bestowed upon the human race to make his life a little easier in this world of constant struggle, it behooves one to remain always vigilant and prayerful that indulgence in the use of such sciences does not jeopardize his own childlike innocence of bhakti. 

Suicide Prevention

Last night I read an article about a young second-generation Hare Krishna devotee who had committed suicide some years ago. I hadn't known him personally, but I could sympathize with his feelings of desperation, or loneliness, or anxiety, or whatever drove him to take his life.

I thought, "Someone who is suicidal, someone who is suffering from anxiety or depression, doesn't always feel like talking." So this is my attempt to reach out to you if you are suffering from anxiety or depression or feeling suicidal.

Increase Your Chanting

One thing I remember from long ago when my Guru, my Spiritual Master Srila Prabhupada was here on earth, is that when his disciples would write letters to him revealing their troubled hearts, Srila Prabhupada would write back advising them to increase their chanting of the Hare Krsna (Krishna) maha-mantra, Hare Krsna Hare Krsna Krsna Krsna Hare Hare / Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare. This is an easy but magical piece of advice to consider putting into practice. If we are not chanting Hare Krsna at all, then when we start chanting, we feel immediate relief from all kinds of negative emotions and thought processes. If we are already doing some chanting of the maha-mantra in our daily life, but we find that our mind is still troubled, when we increase our chanting, our spirits are uplifted, because we are showing Krsna (God) that we sincerely want to become happy. The reason we feel happiness when we chant God's name is this: when we chant His name, we are associating directly with the source of all happiness, Krsna and Rama, the reservoir of all pleasure.

Sanatana's Story

Another idea how to help yourself if you are feeling down is to read the passage in the Caitanya-caritamrta, Antya-lila, about how Lord Caitanya intervened after reading Sanatana Goswami's mind and understanding that he was contemplating suicide.

He explained to Sanatana that our body does not belong to us. It belongs to Krsna. We have no right to take the life of our body. It belongs to Krsna and it is for serving Krsna, so instead of destroying it, we should take good care of it and use it in Krsna's service.

“My dear Sanätana,” Lord Caitanya said, “if I could attain Krsna by committing suicide, I would certainly give up millions of bodies without a moment’s hesitation. You should know that one cannot attain Krsna simply by giving up the body. Krsna is attainable [only] by devotional service. There is no other means for attaining Him. Acts such as suicide are influenced by the mode of ignorance, and in ignorance and passion one cannot understand who Krsna is. Unless one discharges devotional service, one cannot awaken one’s dormant love for Krsna, and there is no means for attaining Him other than awakening that dormant love...Measures like suicide are causes for sin. A devotee never achieves shelter at Krsna’s lotus feet by such actions.

Because of feelings of separation from Krsna, an exalted devotee sometimes wants to give up his life. By such ecstatic love, however, one attains the audience of Krsna, and at that time he cannot give up his body. One who is deeply in love with Krsna cannot tolerate separation from the Lord. Therefore such a devotee always desires his own death..."

Caitanya Mahäprabhu told Sanätana Gosvämi, “Give up all your nonsensical desires, for they are unfavorable for getting shelter at the lotus feet of Krsna. Engage yourself in chanting and hearing. Then you will soon achieve the shelter of Krsna without a doubt..."

After hearing this, Sanätana Gosvämi was exceedingly astonished. He could understand, “My decision to commit suicide has not been greatly appreciated by Sri Caitanya Mahäprabhu.” Sanätana Gosvämi concluded, “Lord Sri Caitanya Mahäprabhu, who knows everything—past, present and future—has forbidden me to commit suicide.” He then fell down, touching the lotus feet of the Lord...

Lord Sri Caitanya Mahäprabhu said, “Your body is My property. You have already surrendered unto Me. Therefore you no longer have any claim to your body. Why should you want to destroy another’s property? Can’t you consider what is right and wrong?"

Lord Caitanya then delineated to Sanatana all the responsibilities He had planned to entrust to him in the future. “I have to do all this work through your body, but you want to give it up. How can I tolerate this?” Lord Caitanya then turned to Haridasa, and said, “My dear Haridäsa...this gentleman wants to destroy another’s property. One who is entrusted with another’s property does not distribute it or use it for his own purposes. Therefore, tell him not to do such an unlawful thing.” (CC Antya-lila, 55-88)

This Body Belongs to Krsna

We should always remember that our body does not belong to us. It belongs to Krsna. Everything belongs to Krsna, and Krsna has plans for how He will use our body now and in the future to serve Him in this world. That may include saving other innocent souls who are looking for a way out of this miserable place. He may even plan to use us to help console other souls who are suffering mentally, emotionally or physically, by befriending them and helping them find alternatives to suicide. We don't yet know how He plans to use us, but it is our responsibility to keep our bodies in good condition so that when the time comes for us to serve Krsna according to His desire--which could mean that we help someone else find new hope in their life--we will be ready.

Peaceful Mind

Srila Prabhupada told us that the mind becomes peaceful by thinking of the welfare of others. He also taught us that if we are unhappy, depressed or hopeless, we can pray to Lord Nityananda, "My Dear Lord Nityananda, I'm so unhappy. Please make me happy!" It's such a simple prayer, but if we pray with feeling, Lord Nityananda will hear us and He will help us.

The Book in the Water

Once there was a young man who was feeling deeply depressed and had gone to a cliff at the edge of the ocean to jump off and drown himself. As he sat on the rock overlooking the sea, he looked down at a cluster of rocks far below. He noticed something in the water, caught between two rocks. He was curious to find out what it was. He climbed down, and was surprised to find a book. Not only was it a book, but it was one of Srila Prabhupada's books about Krsna consciousness! The ink was somehow still intact, and the pages had not been ruined by the water. He read the book, and turned his life around. He gave up the idea of suicide and dedicated his life to becoming Krsna conscious. By surrendering to Krsna, he became happy and mentally healthy, and he discovered a positive way to help others find happiness.

Self-Care Kit

There is a website called The Mighty (https://themighty.com) where a person can go to find helpful articles and ideas if they are feeling lonely, depressed, suicidal or in some way mentally disturbed. A friend sent me the link to help me find consolation after my brother committed suicide. I was very angry and upset after my brother committed suicide, and reading through the articles gave me some solace, some comfort. In one article, it is recommended that one keep a self-care kit handy for when one is in crisis. Some of the ingredients suggested for a self-care kit are: (1) a stuffed animal (for a Hare Krsna devotee, this could mean a Krsna doll or a Rama doll or a Nrsimha doll or a Hanuman doll) (2) a journal and some pens, (3) headphones to block out noise or to listen to music (Hare Krsna kirtan is awesome) (4) essential oils, (5) a favorite book, (6) herbal teas (7) a favorite snack (8) snuggly socks, and (9) a blanket. There are more items listed in the article, but I will just add a suggestion of my own to this list: homeopathic remedies. Believe it or not, there are homeopathic remedies that can help calm our mind and lift our spirits. Some of the remedies I would suggest are Ignatia, Chamomilla, Lac Humanum and Lycopodium. They can be ordered online, purchased from a homeopathic outlet or a homeopathic doctor, or purchased in health food stores. You can consult a homeopathic doctor if you have questions about what potency to take or how often to take them. They come in teeny bottles so they are easy to travel with and keep handy. Make sure you keep them out of sunlight, and avoid touching the pills with your hands. Make sure your mouth is clean before you take homeopathic meds, and administer them to yourself by the cap of the bottle. A lot of companies sell their homeo remedies in little bottles that make it easy to dispense just the right number of pills. Dissolve the pills under your tongue, and don't eat or drink anything for at least fifteen minutes before and after taking the pills.

Talk to a Friend

When you're feeling down, talk to a friend. If there's no one to talk to, or you feel that you don't want to burden anyone else with your troubles, then you can talk to Krsna. He can handle it. He won't get weighed down by your depression. He will listen and He will help you by lifting your spirits and giving you a purpose in your life. He will turn everything around for you, but you have to want mental health enough to reach out to Him. He's there. He's just waiting for you to call out to Him. One really good way to call out to Krsna is by chanting His holy names: Hare Krsna Hare Krsna Krsna Krsna Hare Hare / Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare. This chant is called the maha-mantra. Maha means great, and mantra means a sound vibration that delivers the mind from suffering. You can either sing this mantra, or speak it, or whisper it, or just chant it silently in your mind. However you choose to do it, it is healing to the mind. It is a way to call out to the Lord, and He always hears us when we call Him. Krsna is the most compassionate and capable person to save us from doing something stupid like committing suicide.

Lord Rama's Promise

When Vibhishana came to surrender to Lord Rama, many objected to admitting a Rakshasa into their camp. But Rama said, "If one surrenders to Me just once, saying, 'My Lord, from this day I am Yours,' from that day I will always give him courage and protection." (Valmiki Ramayana, Yuddha-kanda, 18.21)

I Know How You Feel

And remember, when we go through hell, we can always relate to other people's hell. We can say, "I know how you feel" and really mean it. That in itself is reason to keep living because it can help someone else pull out of their depression.

Recall Positive Experiences

Remember and think about the positive spiritual experiences you've had. Dreams that made you feel connected to God, incidents in which you felt protected by Lord Nrsimhadeva, times when you've tasted the holy names of God in kirtan (singing God's names) or bhajan (singing hymns). Dwell on the sweet feelings you experienced during those times.

* You can learn more about starting therapy here, since pretty much everyone can benefit from talking to a professional.
* You can learn more about anxiety disorders here 
* And if you need to talk to someone immediately, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be reached at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) and the Crisis Text Line can be reached by texting HOME to 741741. Suicide helplines outside the US can be found here.

Just Like a Little Girl

The more you serve Krsna, the more He will give you intelligence. ~Srila Prabhupada

Sometimes I can really relate to how Srila Prabhupada said that women are like twelve-year-old children. As a soul in a female body, my ability to analyze things in the proper perspective (Srila Prabhupada's definition of intelligence) can sometimes be compromised because of my emotions, my relationships, and my attachments to the same. Sometimes, I have seen that my emotions override my ability to analyze situations objectively, thus jeopardizing my ability to make wise decisions that are good for everyone involved.

Of course that's not to say that I don't make good decisions. I often do. But when a number of options are there, my choice will often be based on what will preserve and maintain the integrity of relationships and how everybody feels about the issue at hand, whereas my husband looks at the bigger picture and chooses according to the probable outcome and what would ultimately be beneficial in the long run for everyone involved. That's why in our family life, we've always operated according to Krsna's plan for families. Our Guru Maharaja, A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada taught us that Krsna (a name for God, pronounced "Krishna") bestows upon the husband / father the post of leadership. The leader of the family is enjoined to protect, provide for and guide his wife and children. He has the duty to make the final decisions in the family, because he has a body, a brain and a psyche that is built for that. Krsna has arranged it that way. Men have emotions, but their decisions are generally not governed by their emotions. So, after hearing from our Spiritual Master, that's what we understood to be God's plan for families.

I love my children and still feel protective of them, even though they are all grown up well into adulthood. Women love and protect their babies. Men also love and protect their babies. But the father plants the seed, whereas the mother grows the baby inside her body and nurtures it for many years after it comes out. Therefore as mothers, our emotions are tied to the process of growing and nurturing our children. We depend on our husbands to plant the seeds that will give us children, and to protect and provide for our children as they grow into adulthood, but it is us wives and mothers who are built to handle the emotional side of family life. Successful families require that the wife / mother bear the emotional attachments to the husband and children in order to make family life work well.

Our female bodies are built to conceive and birth babies and grow them into adults, so naturally, we experience strong emotional ties to our children and to our husbands who give us those children. As wives and mothers, we are called upon to understand the emotional needs of our husbands as well as our children so that we can take care of them nicely and serve them properly. We need to be able to feel the feelings of our family members in order to carry out our motherly and wifely duties expertly. But sometimes, due to our tendency to put relationships and the emotions which are tied to those relationships first, we don’t always have the best judgment about what to do or say in certain situations, and thus we can easily make faulty decisions and mistakes and get ourselves or others into difficulties due to our naivete.

Back to my original thought of why I can relate to the description of myself as a twelve-year-old child. Because we women are in general governed more by emotional attachments than by objective intelligence, some of the fears we experienced in childhood can linger in our psyche even as we grow into womanhood. I still freeze up with fear when I hear married couples argue, because it brings back the sickening memories of the terror I felt as a child when my parents would fight. I remember also that I used to have nightmares as a child about being expected to do more than I was capable of doing. When I was a kid, especially in college, teachers would sometimes give me assignments that were very difficult to complete. Consequently, as a student, I would sometimes feel like giving up--"throwing in the towel"--if an assignment was too hard for me to do. To this day, if someone asks me to do something that for me is very difficult, I find that if I try and fail, I can easily find myself on the verge of a meltdown.

I was always afraid of grown-ups when I was little. As a soul in a grown-up woman's body, I have noticed that I still feel afraid of other grown-ups, even though I am also an adult! I am also very sensitive to noises. I am afraid of loud, sharp sounds such as the barking of dogs, the slamming of doors and the honking of horns, and sounds that I don't recognize as familiar in the nighttime.  

When I look in the mirror, I see that my body is almost seventy years old, and yet I often think and act rather like a child. Even though I consider myself a pretty capable person when it comes to getting things done, I often feel scared and insecure and cry just as I did when I was little, sometimes for reasons I can't explain.

Last night, as I lay down to take rest, a vision came to me. I saw myself as a twelve-year-old girl. The vision was precisely accurate. My face was just as it was at that age, my brown hair was loosely curled and hung just below my shoulders, my school uniform was a navy-and-green plaid jumper over a white blouse, just as it had been when I was at St. Philomena’s Elementary School in Denver, Colorado. In the vision, I was slightly smiling. I looked like a fairly happy little girl. I wondered why Krsna had given me that vision.

Just now, I had a realization. I understood why Krsna showed me a picture of my body when it was twelve years old. By giving me that vision of the physical form I (the soul) was encaged in at the age of twelve, Krsna showed me that twelve years old is the age level that my subtle body is still at, although my gross body is almost seventy years old. And it makes sense, because when I think about it, I see how I am still so governed by childhood emotions such as fear, impulsive anger, impatience and shyness that although I can perform my daily duties fairly steadily and well, if I make a mistake or fail at what I'm trying to do, or if the planets are lined up to create some negative influence on my mind, I can sometimes burst into tears and run to hide just like a little child. Silly as it may seem, I am afraid to call people on the phone. I am sometimes averse to crowds. I am afraid of being seen. Sometimes when I am out walking on the street, I try to hide from other people. I often lie awake at night fretting about how I've unintentionally hurt or offended those I love and care about. When someone questions me about something, if I am at a loss for words, I sometimes start to cry because of not being able to explain myself.

So I am a mixture of both adult and child, with many of the same fears I had as a child. I am much like the heroine in Bob Dylan’s old song, “Just Like a Woman.” He sings about a lady who does so many things just like a woman does, “but she breaks just like a little girl.”

For me, as well as for anyone in a material body, Srila Prabhupada taught that the ultimate solution to this duality of feeling the emotions of a child while trapped inside the body of an adult is to stop taking birth in material bodies again and again. To escape from this cycle of samsara, of repeated birth and death, requires a realized understanding that we are not these bodies that we are trapped in, but that we are instead the eternal, spiritual, conscious soul inside. This is called self-realization and is the goal of human life. Self-realization is achieved by chanting the holy names of God and by constantly rendering Him service with love.

Although one can chant any bona fide name of God and become self-realized, the most highly recommended chant, or mantra, for this current day and age is the chanting of the maha-mantra--Hare Krsna Hare Krsna Krsna Krsna Hare Hare / Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare. Maha means great and mantra means a sound vibration that cleanses the heart of desires and tendencies to perform actions that are not pleasing to God. This sound vibration of Hare Krsna lifts us out of our temporary material identity which is based on the false assumption that we are the body that we inhabit. The material body is a combination of both gross (earth, water, fire, air and ether) and subtle (mind, intelligence and false ego) elements. Chanting and hearing the maha-mantra gradually clears and uplifts our consciousness so that we can ultimately understand that we are not this body, but that we are the soul inside, an eternal servant of Krsna, from the spiritual sky--a blissful place far beyond this temporary material realm which is fraught with miseries (such as negative emotions).

The process of rendering loving service to Krsna is practically accomplished by offering everything we do and say and think and perceive to Krsna as an expression of our desire to serve Him and love Him. Coupled with the chanting of His holy names, practical devotional service is a must for anyone who is a serious student seeking self-realization, and can be easily implemented if one desires to transcend the cycle of repeated birth and death.

During the process of purification that takes place through the chanting of Hare Krsna and offering everything to the Lord as my practical daily service to Him, I sometimes lapse back into material consciousness, identifying with my temporary material body and mind. What I like to do when this happens is to offer my temporary material emotions to Lord Krsna, asking Him to kindly accept them and purify my heart so that my dormant love for Him can be uncovered and revealed. I find this a very helpful exercise.

"My Dear Lord Krsna, if You so desire, kindly accept this temporary material emotion (name the emotion) that I am experiencing, as right now it's all I have to offer You. My love for You is covered by layers of emotions that are generated by my identifying with this material body and mind, so although I would like to offer You my love right now, my true, eternal feeling of love for You is currently hidden under temporary material upadhis (designations), desires and emotions. So until my heart is cleansed and my love for You is reawakened, please accept this temporary, material emotion that I am presently feeling in my heart."

Krsna says in Bhagavad-gita (9.26) that if we offer Him a leaf, a flower, fruit or water with love and devotion, He will happily accept our offering of love. I find that offering Krsna a leaf (especially a Tulasi leaf), a fragrant flower, some delicious, ripe fruit and some fresh water is a very sweet and purifying meditation. We can offer Him not only these items listed in the Bhagavad-gita, but also other gifts that please Him, such as vegetarian foods cooked with love and devotion. We can even offer Him our emotions.

Both positive and negative material emotions can bind us to the material world. If our subtle body is filled with such emotions at the time of death, it can carry us to another material body, rife with the problems of birth, disease, old age and death. Better to stop the vicious cycle of repeated birth and death by offering Krsna all of our material emotions, whether negative or positive, so that we can gradually transform these emotions into spiritual emotions for Krsna's pleasure. That's what the human form of life is meant for achieving.

I like this new discovery of offering Krsna my feelings. It's helping me to learn how to take refuge in Krsna and to understand that my emotions are ultimately for His pleasure. He is Sharanya-pala, "the refuge of those who are seeking shelter." Whether it's gratitude, compassion, shyness, apathy, laziness, anger, guilt, grief, sorrow, joy, contentment, depression, shame, remorse, regret, happiness, excitement, admiration, affection, satisfaction, pride, fear, hope, hopelessness, gregariousness, reclusion, loneliness, insecurity or any other emotion, this practice of offering to the Lord what's currently in my heart is helping me to grow closer to Krsna by encouraging me to relate to Him in a personal way as my Supreme Shelter--my very best, most confidential Friend--and to recognize and deal with my emotions in a mature and devotional way.

Positive Affirmations

A friend asked me recently, "What are positive affirmations?" Many years ago, I read a book titled Write It Down, Make It Happen by Henriette Klauser. Though I was intrigued by the title, I felt that it was a little presumptuous to assume that we, being under the control of the Supreme Lord's energies, could have influence--what to speak of control--over the outcomes of our desires. Nevertheless, I decided to try following the exercises given in the book and see what would happen.

I learned that we often sabotage our dreams through unconscious negative talk inside our heads. I wanted to stop doing that. I was inspired by the many testimonials given in her book, and wanted to see if my own "success story" would unfold.

The author posited that the written word is very powerful. It influences events to happen that we may not even be aware of, on the subconscious level. She spoke of "Positive Affirmations." I had heard of this concept and even tried it before, but the way in which Miss Klauser presented positively affirming what we want to see happen was more compelling than anything I had read previously.

I read the book in 1992, and as recommended in the book, wrote down some of my dreams. "I want a house made of stone and wood, on the edge of a forest with a creek running through the property." Another wish I jotted down at that time was, "I want to be part of a traveling world sankirtana* party." Years later, I realized that both of those dreams had come true. We pulled up our California roots in 1997, moved all the way across the country to North Carolina on a wing and a prayer (with no job and no house to move into). We purchased a piece of land in Prabhupada Village, a Hare Krishna community near Sandy Ridge, North Carolina. Our friend Madhuha Prabhu had recommended the plot to us, and when we saw it, a double rainbow suddenly appeared overhead and Lord Indra sent down a soft shower of rain while Suryadeva's rays danced between the raindrops. Because such a phenomenon is called "deva-snana" and is considered an auspicious sign, we took it that we were supposed to purchase this particular property.

Our house in Prabhupada Village

My talented husband built with his own hands a beautiful farmhouse out of cedar and Carolina field stone. It was on the edge of a forest and Snow Creek ran along the edge of the property. We lived there for eighteen years.

For the last seven years, my husband and I have traveled almost constantly around India and Sri Lanka, chanting the holy names of the Lord in congregation with hundreds and thousands of other devotees of the Lord. This is slightly different from the big bus I had visualized back in 1992, but it is close enough. Both of those big dreams I had written about had eventually come true.

What is this term "positive affirmations?" It means to conceptualize a vision of something you want to see happen or you want to achieve, putting that visualization into words on paper, and affirming it in the present tense with positive words followed by expressions of gratitude and descriptions of the positive outcomes of realizing your goal. For example, if you are scheduled to participate in a drama and you want to perform nicely on stage, you might follow this guide:

1. Relax. Breathe deeply.
2. With pen and paper, write down what you want to see happen. Be specific, e.g., "I want to perform well on stage. I want to do better than I have ever done before. I want to stay in character and make a deep impression on the audience."
3. Write your wish in the form of a prayer, e.g., "My Dear Lord Krishna, if You so desire, please allow me to perform well on stage."
4. Visualize Lord Krishna's positive answer to your prayer, e.g., "My Dear Lord Krishna, I see that You kindly empower me to perform well on stage."
5. Write a prayer of thanks, e.g., "My Dear Lord Krishna, thank You for empowering me to perform nicely on stage."
6. Visualize the positive outcomes of the realization of your goal, e.g., "The audience applauds enthusiastically. I receive many compliments after the drama for my excellent performance. I feel happy. I am very grateful to Krishna and satisfied that He empowered me to do well. I am thankful that I was able to please the audience with a good performance."

Expect Krishna's Mercy

Srila Prabhupada once told my Godbrother Makhanlal to expect Krishna's mercy. Krishna's mercy may mean to some the fulfillment of a material desire, but after all, Krishna is the Supreme Lord and everything comes from Him ultimately. Srila Prabhupada wrote, "If, however, anyone has any material desire to be fulfilled, he had better pray for it to the Supreme Lord (although that is not pure devotion), and he will thus achieve the desired result." (Bg 9.24 Ppt) By depending on Krishna to answer our prayers, we become more attached to Krishna and that, after all, is the goal of human life.

Some people feel that we're being too pushy when we write down positive affirmations. I don't see it that way. I see it in this way: instead of sabotaging our desires by negative thinking, when we write down what we want, we're making it clear to both ourselves and to Lord Paramatma in our heart what it is that we want to see happen. When we write it in the form of three prayers:

(1) A prayer of petition
(2) A positive visualization of our petition being granted
and
(3) A prayer of thanks

what we are doing is preparing ourselves to expect Krishna's mercy and receive His blessings, if He so chooses to bestow them upon us. When he was very sick, Srila Prabhupada himself taught us how to pray--"My Dear Lord Krishna, if You so desire, please cure Srila Prabhupada." So we can use that template for any prayer, as it makes a clear statement that we are totally dependent on the mercy of the Lord, realizing that He is svarat--fully independent--and can do whatever He likes. It also communicates our trust in Krishna that He has our best interest at heart and He will arrange whatever is truly best for us in our spiritual growth.

Create a Clear Vision

In her book, Ms Klauser gives many, many testimonials of people whose dreams, goals and aspirations were realized through this process of writing down what they wanted. By her practical advice, she gives concreteness to the concept of wishing. Her suggestion of creating a clear vision of what one wants through words invites the realization of that visualization to manifest, and as one sees results starting to happen, one's commitment to the realization of his goal becomes strengthened. As the famous mountain-climber William Hutchison Murray wrote: “Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth ~ the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves, too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now. “ ~The Scottish Himalayan Expedition, William Hutchison Murray, 1951. (This quote is often attributed to Goethe, whom he quotes at the end.)

By creating a three-point prayer to guide myself through the process of positively affirming my aspirations, I have put my own personal effect on the process, as I have often throughout my life experienced the power of prayer. Praying helps me to remember that it's okay to ask for something from the Lord, that I am totally dependent on Krishna's mercy and that whatever He decides to arrange in my life is perfect, as He has my best interest at heart.

*"sankirtana" means congregational chanting of God's holy names in melodious song.

Letter to My Brother Don

The following is a letter I wrote to my brother Don last night. It's been almost four years since he committed suicide. It is not a sensitive, caring, selfless letter. It is a for-crying-out-loud letter, a WTF letter, a what-the-hell-do-you-think-you-were-going-to-achieve kind of letter that I needed to write last night. It's basically for my benefit that I wrote it, because I needed to lash out and I hadn't done it yet, at least not with the intensity that I felt I needed to. Then, I decided to post it on my blog. I don't know why I put it on my blog. Maybe I thought someone out there could relate to my anger.

Letter to My Brother Don

Donny, you brat. Why didn’t you say good-bye to me at the airport? You dropped me and my daughter and grandson off with our luggage and just walked out of the terminal. You just disappeared. That was the first sign that something was weird, that something was wrong. You wouldn’t have done that if you were okay. You were not okay, but you didn’t tell me. And I failed to ask. I thought you did that because you were fed up with us, that we had stayed too long and we had started smelling like three-day-old fish.

All your life you used to say to me, “You are my Guru!” HA! And then you shot me in the heart! You didn’t know, maybe, or maybe you didn't care, but that bullet not only shattered your heart, but it shattered mine as well. If you had known it was going to pierce my heart and break it into a million pieces, would you have shot it into yours?

Now it’s been almost four years, and I am still crying myself to sleep. Nobody knows except Krishna (God) how much your death has affected me. Now your obituary page is old and cold, but my heart hasn’t forgotten that it was shot with a bullet four years ago, by my soul-mate, my beloved brother who is also a singer like me (I used to bounce my songs off of you before I would finalize them), who is also an actor like me, who is also a writer like me, who is also an artist like me. But where are you now, you brat? Where the hell are you now? 

Last month I cried on Elizabeth’s lap at a coffee shop on Colfax. She tried to console me, but I don’t even remember what words she said to me. It just felt good to cry on the lap that my brother had loved. This morning, Elizabeth sent me an article to help me understand that your death wasn’t about me, or her, or anyone else in our family. It was about you.

But Donny, it IS about us. It's about you, but it's also about ALL OF US WHO LOVE YOU. It's about all of us who were torn up--torn asunder--after your death.

After reading the first article, I kept hitting buttons that led me to other articles. I read article after article about suicide and mental health and bi-polar and you-name-it. After reading all morning, I felt I had a better understanding of what I should or could maybe have done, but didn’t know how to do. Shouldacouldawoulda. So all that reading actually didn’t help much, although it gave me a connection to a support group of people who have been suicidal and who try to help people who are suicidal. That was perhaps of some benefit to me, except that it made me start thinking about you again, and again the anger rose up in my heart.

Donny, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I haven’t been able to forgive you yet. I don't know how the rest of my siblings feel about your death now, but I am still struggling with negative emotions. I need you to help me forgive you. I need you to help me understand why you did it. Although you appeared to me momentarily like a vision that horrible morning and smiled and then left, as if to say good-bye to me, that wasn’t enough. I want more. I want an explanation. I want you to help me forgive you. I love you so much, and you know it. Why did you take yourself, my beloved brother, away from me? I'm reaching out because I want to be able to forgive you and move on.

Your loving but still angry sister,

Phalini (aka Francie)

Sri Rama-Setu

"Sri Rama-Setu" means the bridge of Lord Ramacandra. I am so happy and grateful that Lord Sri Rama allowed me to compose and record this song. I remember when the song first came to me. I was driving on Shepard Mill Road across the bridge above the Dan River in Stokes County, North Carolina when I got the inspiration to compose an instrumental to commemorate the building of Rama's Bridge. The melody just kind of popped into my head. I liked the melody, so I stopped the car, found a piece of paper and a pen, and wrote down the notes as I had heard them in my head.

As soon as I got home and could find time, I started working it out on my keyboard. I contemplated how Lord Rama had rallied His monkey army to construct a huge causeway that would span the surface of the Indian Ocean from Rameshwaram in South India to the northern shore of Lanka, for the purpose of storming Ravana's stronghold. Ravana, the lord of the Rakshasa race, had kidnapped Rama's wife Sita and held her captive in Lanka. As soon as Rama gave the order to build the bridge and the monkeys saw that the stones were actually rendered buoyant, they became excited to participate in the building of this fantastic bridge, which would support them as they marched across the sea to storm Lanka.

As I worked, I prayed to be the Lord's instrument for communicating the joy of this pastime through music. The more I thought about that wonderful lila, the more excited I became to record this fun little instrumental. Finally, after several takes, I got the recording to where I was happy enough with it to share it with my friends. I especially like the little effect of the ocean sounds at the beginning and the end.

Every time I hear this song, I can picture the monkeys joyfully running to the mountains to hoist big boulders onto their mighty shoulders and then bounding back to the seashore with their huge rocks. Hanuman would then inscribe each rock with the name of Lord Sri Rama, and the boulder would then be thrown into the sea. According to the promise and prediction of Samudradeva, the lord of the ocean, every rock that bore the inscription of Rama's name would float, no matter how heavy or dense. In this way, the famous monkey army of Lord Rama, yelling at the tops of their tremendous voices "JAI SRI RAMA!!!" out of sheer ecstasy, toiled together to build a bridge that spanned the surface of the Indian Ocean from Rameshwaram to Sri Lanka.

Though the bridge was built millions of years ago, the fantastic structure can still be seen from above. The image below is one of the most famous photos of Sri Rama-Setu taken by a NASA satellite.

Sri Rama-Setu

Krishna's Plan vs My Plan

"Not my will, but Thy will, O Lord, be done." ~Lord Jesus Christ

On Tuesday, July 11, 2017, my friend Aparabhakti took me to the Shimoga Diagnostic Center for a scan. I had been experiencing pain off and on since I had had hernia surgery in May of 2014. So I finally got it together to go have a look at what was happening inside my abdomen.

The radiologist reported that I had a recurring right inguinal hernia and that the opening was small, which is not good. Purportedly, hernias with small openings can be more painful, and they can also be more prone to strangulation. So Appu and I decided to show the report to my gynaecologist, since we were heading over to her office anyway after our visit to the radiologist.

We exchanged the usual jokes and laughter with Dr Geetha and her partner Dr Amita. We showed them the report from Shimoga Diagnistics. Dr Geetha got serious. She flatly said to me, "I will not even examine you until you take care of this hernia." When Dr Geetha talks like that, she means business. She referred me to the head surgeon at Aster CMI Hospital in Bangalore. "Dr Shivaram is a good friend of Dr Ravi (Geetha's husband) and he is expert at laparoscopic surgery (which is the only kind I would consider)." She offered to have her husband call Dr Shivaram that night.

Appu and I said good-bye to the girls and went back to her house to see my husband. He grinned his characteristic happy grin and immediately wanted to know how the two appointments went. I explained that I did have a hernia, that it was small (1.1 cm) and that it could be prone to strangulation. I also told him that Geetha wouldn't even see me until I agreed to take care of repairing my hernia. His smile quickly turned into a look of concern.

In the past, both my husband and my bestie had asked me to remain open to the idea of surgery, although for years I had avoided it because of how painful my previous post-op recovery period had been. I also felt discouraged and apprehensive because another hernia had appeared soon after the first surgery. I didn't want to perpetuate a vicious cycle by undergoing another surgery and then having yet another hernia appear. Nonetheless, despite my fears, I decided that I would go for Dr Geetha's suggestion and agree to my hernia being surgically repaired. My husband was surprised to hear how I had changed my mind, but I somehow felt that it was Krishna's plan, and I was okay with it. So we moved ahead with a strategy to get me over to Bangalore asap.

Geetha's husband Dr Ravi was not able to call Dr Shivaram that night, so we waited. The next day, my husband, who is not a guy to sit around and wait for other people to get stuff done, asked Appu to call Dr Shivaram, since she's a doctor and she may have some influence to put us in front of the doctor. She agreed, and got us an appointment for a consultation on Monday morning 9:30 am. We then called the train station and found out what trains were available to get us to Bangalore by Sunday night.

A little while later, Dr Geetha called. "If you guys are able to get yourselves over to Aster CMI Hospital before 11 am Friday, the doctor will see you earlier than Monday." We got back on the phone and found an overnight train that could get us to Bangalore by 6 am Friday. We grabbed a couple of tickets and prayed that all would go smoothly. We called our friend Jaya Vraja, who is an angel on earth, and asked if we could use her home as a base when we were not at the hospital. She lovingly agreed.

Aparabhakti and I stayed up late that night talking on her porch swing as is our usual pastime, because this would be our last chance for a while. We finally hit the sack around 1:30 am. The next day was casual because we already had our strategy worked out. My husband and I planned to stay at the hospital for only a short time, but I had nonetheless packed a small amount of clothing along with my toiletries, just in case I was admitted immediately. We kept the rest of our luggage separate to be taken to Jaya Vraja's house. Aparabhakti, her husband Dr Shashikumar, and our friend Sandeep dropped us off at the train station at 10:00 pm. We were pretty tired, so we said our good-byes to the devotees and made our beds. Ours was a three-tier AC compartment, and the tracks between Shimoga and Bangalore Central are pretty smooth, so we had a good sleep. We woke up refreshed at 5 am, brushed our teeth, and got ready to alight.

Jaya Vraja's son Adinarayan was there to meet us right on time. We gave him our luggage, which he took home to his Mom's house, and we headed over to the hospital in an auto riksha with my overnight bag and toothbrush. We got there at 9:00 am, in plenty of time to sign in for a consultation. In fact, we were second in line to see the doctor!

Meeting Dr Shivaram was like meeting an old friend. We immediately took a liking to him, and he to us. He was kind and respectful, taking time to listen to my story and look over the report we had brought from the radiologist. He asked us to get a CT scan and come back to see him with the results.

The CT Scan showed a bigger hernia than we had seen with the sonogram scan in Shimoga. He agreed to do surgery Tuesday morning, as long as I was fit for surgery. That would be determined by the cardiologist Dr Sanjay Bhat. We consulted with Dr Bhat and he asked us to come do the tests on Monday at noon. We made a note of the time we had to be back for my cardiology tests, and left the hospital. We had spent the entire day there, so we were tired but we felt accomplished.

The next day, Saturday, Jaya Vraja held a home program for her local Bhakti-Vriksha group. We were delighted to participate. My husband led melodious kirtan for an hour, then I spoke. I had planned my talk previously, but once I got started, the class turned out to be more spontaneous, and not at all what I had planned. My husband and I love coming to Jaya Vraja's home programs. The devotees who attend are so serious and sincere, they inspire us to do better in our own Krishna consciousness.

Sunday evening, we attended Hari-ksetra Prabhu's Sunday program at his preaching center in the Marathahalli area of East Bangalore. It took an hour to get there, so I was grateful for the japa time. The program was blissful, including uproarious kirtan, a thought-provoking talk given by my husband, a Janmastami fund-raiser, and a delicious feast prepared by the devotees. Our friends Jaya Vraja and Supriya Radhika had come with us. We were happy to see our old friends Hari-ksetra, Tilak Prabhu and his good wife Ayushi, and many other familiar faces. One very kind devotee had picked us up and brought us to the preaching center, and another very kind devotee drove us all the way back to Jayanagar, where Supriya and Jaya Vraja both reside. We got to bed right away, as Monday was going to be a full day for my husband and me.

We arrived at the hospital around 10 am. We had called Dr Shivaram on the way to let him know we were coming. We reported to Cardiac Sciences OPD for tests at noon. After a preliminary BP test and weight-check, Dr Bhat's team put me through an ECG, an ECHO test and a TMT (treadmill test--Wow! THAT was a WORKOUT!). I passed the tests with flying colors and was deemed fit for surgery.

By 4:00 pm, we were finished with cardiology and ready for admission. We checked into the hospital. The place was super crowded, so we had to wait until after midnight to get a bed in the general ward. In the meantime, we got a bed in a temporary transition ward and my husband made a "bed" on the floor with a sheet he had brought. At midnight, a nurse came and woke us up. "Shifting" was all she whispered, and we were up with lights on and baggage ready.

We were led upstairs to the 1st Floor to what's called "General Ward Female." They brought a cot for my husband. We settled into our new surroundings, only to find that our sleep was disturbed every few seconds by a beeping monitor on the other side of the curtain that separated our bed from another patient who was being carefully monitored by the nurses. Not only that, there was a baby girl who had just had surgery and she was crying almost constantly. So my husband did not sleep the entire night.

Tuesday, we were ready early for surgery, as we had been advised the night before that it looked like I would be able to be operated on as early as 8:00 am, three hours earlier than the previously planned 11:00 am time. At 8:40, I was wheeled into a room outside the operating theatre. I waited there for what seemed like at least an hour (I had removed all my jewelry, including my watch, and there was no clock visible, so I am guessing about the time) until finally a couple of nurses came to wheel me into the theatre. I was transferred to the operating table, which was warmed underneath (very comfy!) and was administered general anesthesia by Dr Jamana, a lovely young lady with a bright countenance and friendly bedside manner. I quickly drifted off into a deep slumber.

I woke to find myself in the recovery room. My dear husband was next to my side, holding my hand. He explained that the doctor had found two hernias and that the surgery had gone well, and that it had taken about two hours from start to finish. After a short visit, he was told he could not stay, so he squeezed my hand and left.

I soon realized I was next to another woman who had also just undergone surgery. We were separated by a curtain, but I could hear her groaning and moaning and making quite a fuss about her pain. I was also in pain, but I was silent. I expected someone to come check on me and see how I was doing as the anesthesia was wearing off quickly and the pain was becoming more and more intense, but no one came. Everyone was tending to the lady next to me, as she was very vocal about her pain. Nurses were running back and forth but they never stopped to check on me. I finally decided to speak up and ask for some attention. I called out to a nurse who was running by. When she came to my bedside, I couldn't hold back the tears. I started to cry like a little child. She said, "Oh, please don't cry, we are all here!" I blubbered, "Yeah, but no one is checking on me. I am feeling very lonely and neglected. My pain is increasing and my mouth is dry and I would really like a sip of water." She gave me some little sips and stroked my head. That's all I needed, along with a good shot of morphine. Just a little TLC, and I was okay after that.

Finally, I was wheeled out of the recovery room after being hoisted onto a gurney. Ouch! That hurt. I was happy to see my husband waiting outside the double doors. He walked alongside me as my gurney rolled along the corridors. When we reached the ladies' ward, my husband said, "I have a surprise for you. I got us a bed far away from that beeping monitor!" I was relieved. They transferred me to the bed in a more gentle manner (again, relief!) and after a few more sips of water, I drifted off to sleep. He also settled down on his cot, and we were able to sleep for a while until the little child near us started to cry again. We were able to sleep only when she slept, and she seldom slept.

Dr Shivaram came to see me and explained, just as my husband had, that he had found two hernias and had repaired them both with mesh. He showed me photos of the two hernias, before and after the surgery. I was amazed that he had been able to perform such a delicate operation by using a tiny camera and remote instruments, inserted through three tiny holes in my abdomen. Laparoscopic surgery is truly a remarkable procedure.

The doctor agreed that I could go home on Wednesday. He told us to come back for a check-up the following Tuesday, and gave me some restrictions--no traveling, no lifting, and no playing harmonium while sitting cross-legged on the floor for two months. In fact, no sitting cross-legged period for two months. The physician's assistant, Dr Shafeek, also advised me to move slowly and carefully. "No fast moves!" he emphasized. My diet for the week following surgery until I would see the doctor again should be soft foods that are easy to digest. Nandini, an expert on pain management, advised me to do pranayama frequently to aid my body in assimilating oxygen which would help me to heal faster.

We checked out Wednesday at 4:00 pm and drove back to Jaya Vraja's house. I reclined in the back seat of Jaya Vraja's car with my head resting on my husband's lap the whole way home. Jaya Vraja had prepared a delicious hot soup and hot herbal tea which we relished before taking rest. We planned to return to Shimoga on Friday to recover further and to finish up business with Dr Geeta.

Sometimes we may have our own ideas and plans for how to address health issues, and sometimes Krishna has His own plans. This time, it seemed obvious to me that Krishna had a different plan from mine (mine had been to pursue alternative methods of healing my hernia, His was for me to go for surgery), so after three years of trying out my plan, I finally went along with His plan. The result was a smooth, easy, non-invasive surgery with minimal pain, sweet new relationships with many souls who work at the Aster CMI Hospital in Bangalore, a chance for me to be spoiled with even more loving, tender care than usual by my dear husband, and an unexpected and delightful lengthening of our visits with our dear devotee friends in Shimoga and Bangalore.

Post-op Report:

After one week, we went back to see Dr Shivaram to have my stitches removed and a fresh dressing applied. The doctor is pleased with my progress--little to no pain and everything is healing nicely, by Krishna's grace.